I’m just going to be honest for a second.
I think about moving to America. Like, a lot.
I ask my husband at least once a week, “so…when do you think we will move to America?” I’m like a five-year-old child when it comes to the subject.
The reality is that we are no where close to being able to. We are handing in final adoption papers at the end of this month and we were told it would be one full year before it’s finalized. So, we have a least one full year of Haiti living left.
But, I still think about it. I won’t even lie, I found myself looking up floor plans for small farm houses on Pinterest the other day. I want to build my family a home of our own.
I want to sign my boys up for summer baseball. I want to sign Wishla up for gymnastics. I want to go on evening walks with Rubie and play with her at a park. On the week-ends, I want to do activities. I actually just want to be a soccer mom, running my kids around to all their activities. I want to see what my kids love and what they don’t love.
I tried learning how to play the oboe in fourth grade. It was a complete disaster. I wonder what instruments my kids would sign up for. I wonder if they would fail or if they would soar.
It’s not that I obsess over this whole idea. It doesn’t stop me from working each day. It doesn’t stop me from reaching out to my neighbors or from making commitments. It isn’t that I live with the mindset of “oh sorry, I can’t, because I’m moving to America.” It’s none of that. But, I find myself just thinking about it a lot. Daydreaming, if you’d like.
And, here’s what happened the other day. I kept thinking of all these reasons why Haiti will never be enough. I realized that I had somehow put my imaginary life in America on an imaginary pedestal and no matter how many blessings of joy or peace or abundance God sent my way that day, it wouldn’t ever be good enough because it wouldn’t be the life in America I dream of. And I realized how I was beginning to take so many breathtaking, beautiful moments for granted.
For example. I’ve been given this chance to run a non-profit with my family. And this non-profit educates over ONE THOUSAND kids. Every day these kids walk from miles away to sit on wooden benches and learn their ABC’s. They run around our schoolyard with a joy that can’t be mistaken for. I have the opportunity to photograph these beautiful kids, ask them their names and their birthdays. They tell me their favorite colors and we hold hands as I take them back to their classrooms. Then, I sit there, for hours at a time editing the pictures and making them into sponsorship cards so the kindest of people can sponsor them, allowing the entire operation to keep going.
I’m the person in the background. I do some really boring and time consuming stuff to make it all look pretty. But, would you look at these faces? I’m the lucky one who gets to interact and play with all these little ones.
And then you hear stories like Dordjy’s and realize just how big of a blessing it is to be living out this wild life. Dordjy lost both his mama & papa as a babe so some brave woman from the community took him in. Now he’s a preschooler at our school and when I heard his story, my heart broke. Then he smiled at me and gave me a high-five and I wanted to squeeze his cheeks forever. I immediately adopted him in my heart as my own village kid. You wouldn’t believe the number of village kids I have adopted in my heart. What a life.
So, here’s what I’ve learned. A lot of people make money or success or a million other things idols in their lives. I’ve made a life in America mine. Satan is so good at his game that we don’t even realize we have stored up these idols in our heart. It starts with a simple thought, like, “oh yeah, some day when we move to America…” and then the next thing you know you have an entire Pinterest board about a fake, imaginary life.
I’ve allowed this idea of raising my family in America to become something so fabulous that nothing in Haiti will ever be good enough. And when I do this, Satan triumphs.
He stops me from enjoying the laughter on the playground. He stops me from seeing the miracles. He stops me from being filled by all the ways Haiti knows how to fill me right up. He keeps me feeling all sorts of empty. He makes me bitter. He makes me envious. He makes me dwell in that good ol’ sinful nature that we are all so good at dwelling in.
So, I am going to keep dreaming of America. I am. I see how these desires and dreams for my family are just fine. If anything, I’m seeing it as God planting seeds today to grow into something for tomorrow.
But, I am going to stop idolizing this American dream. Because, no matter where my family is living, there’s beauty to be captivated by. There’s still so much to enjoy, here in the present. Maybe God will never give us America, I’m sure I’ll get over it one way or another, but I’m sure whatever He does give us will be nothing less than good.
And, I want nothing less than the good that God has in store for my family and I.
I want you to experience the good He has for you, too. But first, we must tear down those idols we have built up in our hearts. What’s yours? Don’t let Satan get in the way of embracing all the good God has in store for you today.
Love from Haiti.