{rice, beans & love}

One whole year ago. Where did the time go?

A year ago I was newly engaged, 23-years-old and loved where my life was at. I was comfortable and felt right on track. Then you know what happened the very next day? Not even 24 hours after saying “yes” to my fiancé, a little life came into my life and turned it all upside down again.

A lost momma had given up her 11-month-old baby at our orphanage gate and upon meeting this child I knew my life was forever changed. It took a couple of weeks before she became mine, but the journey to make her mine was the biggest leap of faith I had ever made in my life.

My mind told me so many lies: you can’t do it, she’s a baby, you’re too busy, you’re planning a wedding, and you already have two boys. But, my heart kept crying, “Yes, you can.” So, we did. My crazy fiancé and I took in an 11-month-old, 8 pound, severely malnourished, AIDS positive, tuberculosis fighting baby.

She’s a miracle and she reminds me that miracles are an everyday thing as long as we have our eyes open to them. She’s also hilarious, a little naughty but a literal bundle of joy. She has the biggest smile and a personality that makes you fall in love with her almost immediately.

It’s been a year.

But, a year before Wishla came into our lives, Loveson made his debut. He also came out of nowhere, but we fell in love with him instantaneously. Also malnourished and weak, and kind of goofy looking, he had the most contagious spirit.

This past Sunday I watched him graduate preschool (preschool graduation is a very big deal in Haiit!) and I have never been so proud. I really think he has taught me more about life than I have taught him, though. I don’t know what he will grow up to be, but I do know that whatever it will be, it’s going to be incredible and he’s going to make the world a better place.

So, needless to say I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting of the past two years the last couple of days. I’m blown away that God would trust me with the many roles he has given me, but I have to admit there have been more days where I feel totally inadequate and unqualified than I do feel equipped.

I dreamt of having this very simple, missionary life when I moved to Haiti. I would spend my time playing with village kids, holding babies and learning a new language. Somewhere along the way it became so much more than that, though. The lessons I’ve faced have been far from easy. Figuring out how to do things the right way and not ruin lives in the process has been the hardest part. Realizing that lives will always be at play when poverty is the issue is what makes things difficult.

You can’t stop fighting and working when there are lives at play. Even when I find a new job for someone or put another child in school, there are always more waiting. There will always be someone knocking at the gate. The idea of this becomes daunting and exhausting. Some nights my mind just doesn’t know how to shut off because I either haven’t solved the days’ problems or I worry tomorrow’s problems may be just too much.

But, somehow I keep holding on. Sometimes it seems by just a strand, but for what its worth, I like to believe a strand is just enough to get me by. The pressure of poverty and the worries of tomorrow haven’t stopped me from dreaming any bigger.

In the past year, my dreams came true when I said “I do” to the craziest, most loving man I know on a beach at sunset. He’s my rock and my partner in crime when it comes to solving our problems. I followed my dreams when it didn’t make sense to open up a new business and somehow that is working out for me, too! I never dreamed of being a mom, but putting my three munchkins to bed after another day feels a little like a dream come true, too.

But, at the same time all the dreaming can get in the way. Some days my “to-do” list is longer and more of a priority than my “to-love” list. My days seem to run out before me and the simple things like walking through the garden to see my favorite grandma, or going to visit the donkey man, or visiting a mom with her newborn baby, or getting down and dirty to play soccer with the village kids don’t get done. The hard things seem to trample the beautiful things.

Basically, in a nutshell of a reflection, because my mind can’t seem to figure out what it wants to say and my heart has had a rough couple of days….all I really want is more Jesus. I want a love that is simple and pure. I want more love and to be a forever vessel of that love. I want to be broken day after day, to be exhausted at the end of every day and to be reminded again and again what my purpose is. I want to stop being distracted. I want more justice for the hurting, more freedom for the oppressed, more jobs for the unemployed, more hope for the hopeless. I want light to shine in places where it has never shown before.

I know it’s a far stretch from reality, but really, I just want things to be okay in my corner of the world. I want the man who can’t pay rent and is forced to live on the streets with his three kids to find a job so he can provide for his family. I want the mom who keeps showing up at our gate to find a way to feed her six babies. I want the dad who just used all of his savings for his son’s surgery to find a job so he can have a sense of security again. I don’t want us to be rich, have the nicest things or prettiest clothes, I just want it to be okay.

So, I’m going to keep on dreaming (and working as hard as I can) to make a path for a better tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be the best, just for the better, so people can say they’re okay.

And, I don’t think I will be okay until they’re okay.

Until then,

love from Haiti

I don’t think many of us like to admit our mistakes. I know I don’t.
Then again, I don’t know if the story I’m about to tell was a mistake.
It was a lesson, though; I do know that for sure.

Mama Noel has had me heartbroken and shaken since the day I met her.
I won’t forget that day. Ever. I was dripping in sweat, having climbed
up half a mountain to meet some of the sweetest kids. They kind of
piled out of their shack like clowns do in those tiny cars at the
circus. Nine children total, ranging from ages 2 to 21 came out one by
one. They were all accounted for by their at-the-time very pregnant
mama.

Nascha, the youngest, was so sick. She literally had bugs crawling out
of her ears from a severe ear infection. The children showed signs of
malnourishment and spent their nights sleeping on a dirt floor. The
mom showed me how the house of tin was giving way and when it rained
their house became a giant puddle.

I’ve told this story so many times now. After meeting this family and
falling in love with them, I wrote their story right here on this blog
and was able to raise over $9,000 to build them a new house. God was
so faithful to me as I walked beside them and was so faithful to them
as He began providing in miraculous ways.

So, we began building their new home and I walked beside mama as she
neared her due date. Being pregnant with her tenth child and having
had a previous stroke, she was considered to be very high risk.
Towards the end, we ended up admitting the entire family to our rescue
program at Tytoo. They were housed there until their new home was
complete.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go our way when the baby came. Mama Noel
had spent nearly 36 hours in labor, me walking beside her most all of
them. We spent the first night at the hospital, walking back and forth
on the sidewalk outside of the hospital’s front gate.

They don’t have maternal suites here in Haiti, let alone open beds for
women in labor. Literally, this nine month pregnant woman was lying on
a wooden bench as she yelled through her labor pains. As the sun rose
the next morning, the nurses sent us home, saying she wasn’t ready
yet. We were back at the hospital around 6 p.m. that day and baby was
born around 9 p.m.

I have to admit, I was kind of excited to see a baby be born. I had
played out the scene so many times: I would hold hands with mom as the
baby came, there would be a high-pitched cry as this new life came
into our lives. We’d wrap him or her in a blanket and I would carry
him home as mom rested in the back seat. It would be just like the
movies.

But, this baby didn’t come out crying. I held my breath, waiting for
him to let out his first breath. But, he never cried. The two nurses
kept saying, “li pa bon, li pa bon” it’s not good, it’s not good. I
remember watching them pick his little wrinkled legs up and dropping
them with there being no sign of a reflex. I remember just bawling at
this point in the story, and my friend Frank giving me the biggest
bear hug of my life.

We ended up taking an ambulance to Port-au-Prince and the baby was
announced dead up arrival. Mom was then admitted to a different
hospital for hemorrhaging and bleeding. A couple days later, she came
home and we grieved together. It was then that I decided I would try
my hardest to make the future for this family different.

We ended up spending $8,000 on their new home. It was furnished with
new bunk beds, a kitchen table and painted bright purple. All the kids
were enrolled into school and with $1,000 left over we decided to use
$200 so mama could start selling fish at the market again and the
remaining $800 would be given over the course of the next 8 months for
food. We had many talks about the plan for the future: it would be
different! She promised me no more babies.

I loved seeing her girls playing up on the school’s playground instead
of spending their afternoons hauling water like they had to before. I
loved seeing them be full of energy, because hunger didn’t loom on
them anymore. I loved seeing mama’s excitement after a day spent at
market. She was getting a second chance and it was a beautiful thing.

After eight months, when the money was finished, I decided to
“release” them on their own. I had helped them through their
emergencies and built them a new home. I felt mom was finally at the
point where she could stand on her own two feet. So, last September I
stopped visiting them, with all the confidence in the world they would
be okay.

This is where I wish the story ended. Tune the happily ever after.
Close the book. At that time I thought I had done it all right, but
would later realize that maybe I had gotten it all wrong.

By late October, I had received news that Mama Noel was pregnant
again. Yes, pregnant. With her eleventh child! After losing her last
one, nearly dying herself and after working so hard to get back on her
feet, she was back in the same situation.

I became so angry at first. Frustrated, disappointed and let down.
Then I just became so incredibly sad. Back to angry, on a roller
coaster of emotion. I knew I couldn’t help her again, not to the
extent I had before. I just couldn’t. But, then guilt settled into the
cracks of my healing heart and I couldn’t figure out what was the
right thing to do anymore.

I had several nightmares of her bleeding, the baby dying and her
children showing up at my gate as orphans. I haven’t really told
anyone about these, but you can’t not experience something like I had,
having watched her last baby be born stillborn, and act like this next
pregnancy was okay.

This was her fault, not mine. I realize this argument, but her life
was in danger and I knew I would forever carry guilt if something
happened. But, I knew I just couldn’t help again. The cycle would just
repeat itself and not only were my resources burnt out, but I kinda
was too. (insert a lot of motivation for the Lazarus Fund)

So, for the past 8 months I have been praying for the health of both
mom and babe. Not many days went by that I didn’t think about this,
but I had to trust both my God and my instincts on this situation.

Yesterday morning, Monday, was off to another busy start. Many people
are suffering from a fever with symptoms of severe body aches,
headaches and rashes right now in Haiti, coming from mosquitoes. As I
drove to Tytoo Gardens, I found one of my ViBella employees on a
motorcycle. She could barely walk because she was in so much pain.
After settling her in a bed near a fan, I made my way to the office.
As I began responding to e-mails that I had been avoiding since
Friday, Taunya (a full-time North American staff member) came rushing
in saying, “Mama Noel’s newborn baby is here.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I was totally caught off guard
and immediately worried, but I found myself coming upon a healthy, 8.8
pound newborn baby girl. Tears welled in my eyes as I took her in my
arms. I seriously couldn’t believe how big she was. We made our way to
the clinic and learned that three hours previous, Mama Noel and her
sister had been rushing to a doctor on a tap-tap (public
transportation) and she gave birth right then and there. Yes, her 11th
child was born in a moving vehicle! They were bringing the baby to the
clinic to be seen and two hours later we transported mom to a hospital
to make sure she wasn’t losing too much blood.

After many months of worrying and having nightmares, a happily ever
after made a way in the midst of pretty ugly story. As I cleaned the
baby and dressed her, it felt like a piece to a happily ever after
story. A story I feared the ending of for the past few months. I felt
so relieved, joyful even.

I’ve learned that God doesn’t make mistakes. We, humans, do all the
time, though. Maybe I helped them too much at first, maybe not enough.
Should I have done more? Will there ever be an answer to these
difficult situations? Will I ever stop seeing moms with too many
babies and babies with not enough food in their bellies?

But, God doesn’t make mistakes. We do.

Should Mama Noel have gotten pregnant for an eleventh time? Probably
not. But, God wouldn’t have brought this beautiful healthy baby into
the world by mistake. Should I have kept visiting in September? Would
she have gotten pregnant had I kept visiting? At what point does it
stop being my responsibility to help?

It hurts to carry these questions some days. On those days the world
just seems heavy and it’s a little harder to breathe. But, God doesn’t
make mistakes. He didn’t make a mistake as He led me up a mountain to
their shack that very first day, nor did He make a mistake by
providing the funds to get them a new home with beds.

I think the mistakes lie in our irresponsibility when handling God’s
blessings. Mama Noel had been blessed with all the tools to see a
better day, but somehow ended up jobless and pregnant, repeating a
vicious cycle. I’d been given all the tools to help her, and somewhere
along the way made a mistake by allowing the vicious cycle to be
repeated. I know it’s her fault that she ended up pregnant, but maybe
I should have kept holding her accountable.

I guess I just don’t know. There are just sometimes too many rights
and too many wrongs. It’s hard making decisions when lives are at
play.

But, now there is a new life to account for. A beautiful baby girl.
And even though I don’t know what her future looks like, I know she’s
not here by mistake.

Would you please keep this baby girl and her mom in your prayers?
Along with the many other moms who are struggling to keep their babies
alive and well? Please pray also for the people of Haiti to be healed
of the fever epidemic that is in full force right now.

Poverty is such an ugly, messy thing. I’m sure many more mistakes are
to come as I look for ways out of it, but I put my trust in a God who
doesn’t make mistakes.

This past week was a blessed one. We had a team of ten guys from Iowa visiting with a goal to pave the very steep and rocky road that leads up to our school. The road was in such terrible shape; vehicles could barely make it up, let alone motorcycles (motorcycles being the most used mode of transportation in Haiti)

Day one consisted of the team digging trenches and carving out the path they would pave. Days two and three consisted of buckets full of gravel, sand and water being passed through our “assembly line” of workers. I, of course, had to get in on the action. I have never had so much fun working so hard. We yelled and joked as we passed the buckets down the hillside to the cement mixers. Bucket by bucket we got closer and closer to a finished paved road.

And by day five, we had a finished road. Students, teachers, parents and many more will now have a safe place to walk and vehicles and motorcycles will be able to pass with much less trouble.

As we stood on our finished masterpiece this morning, allowing the guys to take some final photos, I couldn’t help but remember the very first time I ventured up that hillside.

Webert had brought me there to show me where he thought the school should be built…at that time we had money to build a single building and the original place only had room for just that. A family member began giving problems, wanting money, once she had heard a school building was going to be built. So, in an effort to avoid drama and being ripped off, we searched for other options and were led to the mountaintop.

Within two weeks, we were sitting in the mayor’s office being handed the deed to our land. Miracles happened there! Land deeds like this can take years to get in Haiti. Two months later we started building our first school building, which held 172 students that year (2011-2012).

Looking back, I now recognize all these pivotal moments of simple faith. At the time it may have seen like the right thing to do, but had we not taken the steps and relied on the faith we had, I don’t think we would see The Lord working in all the amazing ways He has.

If we had just stuck with the plan to build the original building down in Simonette, we would have never have had room to educate the 900 students that we do today. God showed us a way to the mountaintop, worked miracles for us to have it and now has given us room to grow in all the ways He leads.

This is just one example, but I reflect on so many more moments of just down right faith leading me on this incredible journey. The moments have been far from heroic, not movie worthy nor award winning. They didn’t require beauty, fortune or fame. They were ordinary to most, but to Jesus, these acts meant the most.

I believe the moment we say “yes” to His will, He begins moving mountains. When we fall before Him and say “we are all in,” He takes our lives and turns them into something more beautiful than we ever imagined. We were made to take leaps of faith and live dangerously for him and when He sees those leaps of a faith in action, His rewards are much more greater. When we choose to lay down our lives and pick up the cross, who knows where He may lead you.

Another thing I love about taking leaps of faith and watching where God takes me is that being all He requires of me. He doesn’t ask us to be perfect, extraordinary or successful – in fact, I think He likes it when we are a little crazy and flawed!

The Bible is plump full of stories of people who were so very ordinary in their days, but their leaps of faith were what made them known.  They leaps of faith are what have made them legends and we are still learning from them today! I like Moses, he was brave enough to lead his people out slavery to a land of freedom. Best thing about the story: he didn’t really know where he was going, just day after day was following God. And for Moses, when the pressure was on and the army was closing in on him, all he had to do was stick a rod in the ground and before him an entire sea split, leading his people to safety.

Just an ordinary guy with a stick letting God lead the way. Uhh, I need to find a stick like that! But seriously, I find that to be the most incredible thing about God: just using fools like me, people who are brave enough to say “yes” and then using us to move mountains and do His Kingdom work! He could use the rich and famous, the kings, queens, presidents, movie stars and geniuses, but he chooses us!

I also think I love it so much because it allows me to still make mistakes, have a dirty house and be myself without having to feel not good enough, unqualified and unloved.

His words say, “I work for the good of those who love me,” and this verse came to me this week as a group of Iowans and Haitians worked together to pave a road. It was hard, hot and exhausting but I have never felt more rewarded to be a part of something. I love Kingdom work.

“And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28

Jeffte. He’s my oldest. Bless his heart. His rich brown eyes can melt your heart, but boy, does he know how to get on my nerves! He’s 6 and a half years old, 100% boy and most days doesn’t have a care in the world.

He has made me a firm believer in karma. My mom tells me I had a way of losing things as a child (maybe as an adult I still do) but, Jeffte once managed to lose a pair of brand new tennis shoes after only a day! I can’t say I was ever that bad. It’s either karma coming back for all the things I “misplaced” or it’s just Jeffte.

He has been a part of our family for three years now. We rescued him, more or less he was so sick they handed him over to us, from one of the worst orphanages I have ever witnessed. He conquered hell and recovered from a severe sickness. He has lost his belly and his chunky baby cheeks. He is an athlete and doesn’t sit down unless there is a movie to watch.

Even on our roughest days, he always finds a way back to his mama’s arms. His sloppy wet kisses and the way he shuffles his feet down the hallway are some of my favorite things.

I imagine the way I get on God’s nerves sometimes, too. The way I tend to lose him throughout the day, the way I make earthly things more important than him or the way I forget how truly forgiven I am. I pray for more patience, God knows I need that after asking Jeffte for the tenth time to go brush his teeth. I pray for more guidance, because God knows I need that too, being I’m the most unqualified person to be a mother to three kids. I pray for more forgiveness, because I’m only human. We all need a little bit more of that.

I tell Jeffte, “ya know, buddy, Jesus cries when you don’t listen to mama and papa. The bible says we are suppose to listen to our mama’s and papa’s.”

I can see it in his eyes, he is sorry. I tell him the greatest news, “but, Jesus always forgives you if you say sorry.”

Was it wrong of me to guilt him with the tears of Jesus, maybe. Jesus is kind of a big deal in our house, and we don’t like when we see people crying. But, for this mama, it worked. The next morning, we brushed our teeth without even being asked.

I have learned so much from my kids, it’s amazing. The innocence and joy they have for life blows me away. All three of them have overcome more in their short lives than I can even fathom. I stare into those dark chocolate eyes and wonder how God can trust me with them.

For some reason He does, though. I can feel it in the way He blesses me with the lessons they teach me. I feel it at morning breakfast as Wishla manages to throw all her cereal on the ground. I feel it as Loveson proudly shows me how he can tie his shoes all on his own. I feel it as Jeffte wraps his arms around me before bed and there’s a mutual feeling of forgiveness.

The biggest lesson these sweet babies have taught me is their innocent love. I seek this love for my Father in heaven, as these children teach what it means here on earth. As they sneak into bed in the early morning, I’m reminded of the gift for another day I’m given. As they pack their backpacks and tie their shoes, I’m thankful for all our blessings. As I clean up their messes and wash the dishes, I’m thankful for health and energy. As I kiss them goodnight, I’m thankful for the journey that has been so full of miracles, leaps of faith and grace. As my own body falls into bed, I’m so thankful that I am loved and a daughter of the one true king.

People say, “I don’t know how you do it.” Mainly friends whose futures don’t have kids for a while in it say this, but they’re right. I don’t know how I do it, but I do know why I do it! These kids are my greatest inspirations, they make me a better person and I don’t think I could do life without them. Even though they’ve ruined any idea I once had of Sunday afternoon naps and I can’t eat a plate of food without it being shared, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Jeffte. My oldest baby. Bless your heart. Thank you for reminding mama what the meaning of forgiveness means. Thank you for making me look more directly toward our King as we grow up and do life together. Jeffte. My first baby. Mama loves you, and so does our King.

This post has been brewing inside of me for a long time now. So, before we dive in, just know I have prayed about this and put a lot of thought into the words I’m about to spill onto your screen. With that said, here we go.

I’ve forever been convicted by the story of the poor man and rich man in Luke 16. I’ve told the story before, right here on this blog. The poor man, Lazarus, lies outside the gates of the rich man’s home, looking for whatever scraps he can find. When the two die, the poor man finds his way to heaven and the rich man finds his way down to hell. The rich man begs for just a moment of relief from Lazarus, asking him to dip his finger in cool water to cool his tongue. The rich man is denied comfort, and Abraham replied to his request by saying, “you had received good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony.”

This story rocks me to the core. Because, I have received so many good things. I don’t live a luxurious life by any means, but I have access to whatever I need. I would also admit that I have never experienced the feeling of agony in my life, having malaria comes close, but I’m sure it was nothing like the agony Lazarus and my neighbors experience in the village. I am sure that no experience in my life compares to the agony of the poor in our world.

If you’re in a position to read this, I am guessing you could agree. So, then we come to the conclusion that we don’t want to be the rich man in this story. I fear becoming like this man. This morning a mother of four came to my gate. She’s recently been abused and abandoned by the father of her children. He was the one with the job and the person putting food on the table. She’s so lost.

A few weeks ago, she sat a pew away from me in church. I watched her worship. Tears streamed down her face as she rocked her baby girl in her arms. One arm around the child, the other arm draped across the top of her head. I could see defeat in her posture. I wondered what could be going on, but I avoided it. Because knowing her pain would some how make me responsible and I’m afraid to be responsible sometimes.

But, she found her way to my gate. Not too hard to find, just ask anyone in the village where to find the white girl, they’ll tell you she’s behind the gate at the end of the dirt road. So, I listened to her story of abuse and abandonment. She’s worried she won’t be able to take care of her children. She loves this man who is leaving her and doesn’t know where to go from here. And, I want to help. I truly do. But, my wallet is empty. I have no jobs available. And you have heard the story from me before: there’s no hope to offer from my porch today.

So, take these feelings and mix them in with the constant struggle I have to provide for my family. I’m a grown-up now. And, I have dreamed about being one of these for a long time, but it’s a lot harder than I thought. My husband and I dream of owning a car someday and we have visions of having a home all to ourselves. Nothing extravagant and we aren’t talking about Denali’s or SUV’s but, a simple diesel car to get us from point A to point B would be nice. I want a yard with green grass and place for my children to grow up. And I want to call them mine, knowing I worked hard to own them the good ol’ fashioned way.

I want to practice what I preach, too. We talk about giving people a chance at some real dignity in life. Dignity earned through employment and hard work. I want to work hard right along side these folks, saying “I worked for that!” It’s something I want my children to know too: that mama and papa worked hard so you could have a better life. So, I consider myself (and Webert does, too!) so incredibly blessed to be working where we do and have jobs that pay us fair salaries. Salaries allowing us to put food on the table for our three children. A monthly income giving us a shot to own a vehicle maybe someday and if we save our money just right, we may even have a little shack to call our own, too. We can afford our groceries, put gas in the car, and give a little here and there, but at this point, not much more than that. I hope I can buy airline tickets with my own money someday, help my kids go to college and afford a new vanity (I dream of having a sink with counter space!)

But, every time I have an extra bill to save, someone comes a knockin’ on our gate. My dad says I can’t give it all away. And it does go against every rule for saving. But, who is going to help them if I don’t? What other gate is there to go a knockin’ on?

The struggle of having and living where people don’t know what having means is the hardest part of this journey. I want good things for my family. Webert and I have dreams and I hope to see them come true someday, as does any family, right? But, I struggle knowing a $20 bill that should be put away for savings could feed a hungry family for a month. I have this debate in the deepest parts of my soul. I really don’t want to be like that rich man. I feel people judging me (whether they truly are or not, I don’t know) when I have a new skirt on or take my extra $20 for a day away at the beach. People in my neck of the woods don’t get to have new skirts very often and most won’t ever just “treat themselves to a beach day.”

We won’t ever understand the Lord’s justice or make sense of why He gives some so much and others so little. But, maybe you struggle with the same battles I do. You want to help, but don’t know how. You have an extra $20 to give (or way more than that), but don’t know where it should go. And, by no means am I saying that I’m the right person to give it to, but I do know a lady or two who could use it. AND, I’m not saying I believe in hand-outs all the time either. That’s not the answer in the long run, but there are Lazarus’s outside my gate and I want to relieve whatever agony they’re in. Even if it’s only a portion of it.

There are also situations of people needing money to help finish their schooling, others who want small loans to start a business or others who have medical emergencies. You’d be surprised what an extra $20 bill could do here in my small village alongside the ocean in the long run. So many lives could be touched and glimpses of hope could be shed.

I’m always amazed by what God can do with a small amount of things, so that is why I’m taking this step of faith and writing this post. Webert and I, again, feel so blessed to have the jobs we have and we are proud to work for the money we earn. We have decided that we do not want to be “missionaries” – for the lack of better words – who raise support. We need supporters, of course! But, we want people investing in our Kingdom work: the school, the orphanage, the projects, the people, the Lazaruses. We want to take care of ourselves and when we find that we have extra, take care of others.

So, we are searching for other ways to help and take care of the others I speak of. The Lazarusus, the sick, the widowed, the hungry, the naked, the orphaned, the unemployed, the all of them. So, at this time, I’m asking you to be a part of our Lazarus Fund. A fund set up to help the Lazaruses who cross our paths.

The money donated to this fund will be used for the people at our gate, the dreamers looking to finish school or start a business, the sick needing a medical exam, the new mama needing something for her new babe and I could go on and on about the possibilities this money will have. I pray this fund will take a little of the burden off my marriage and myself as I tend to make most of the situations very personal. I usually feel responsible once I know the agony of a neighbor. I’ve lost sleep and daydream trying to come up with an extra dollar or a solution.

One of the reasons I have postponed writing about this fund for so long is because money tends to have such a weird and powerful grasp on my life. I grew up dreaming of having the American dream. I was raised in a family that had money and I basically always had everything I needed and then some. My walk-in closet that I had since seventh grade is something I’m now ashamed to admit I had. I’ve given most of my clothes away and wear my favorite Old Navy shorts with a Target v-neck about every day of the week, now. Coming to terms with never having a retirement fund and relying on my parents to buy plane tickets for me hasn’t been an easy thing. Giving up my designer name jeans, another struggle of its own!

And then, there’s my husband. He grew up as one of the have-not’s. And, I love him for that, but we see the world differently because of that, too. He didn’t have a car when he turned 16 and recalls only having a pair of shoes while growing up. He told me when he was little he had a pair of pants and a shirt to wear to church every Sunday (I used to complain to my mom about never having enough “church clothes”). But, now he has a dresser with drawers that barely close.

I think money can do weird things to people. It can make us greedy, blind and leaving us wanting more. For so long, I always wanted more, but now I want less and I don’t know how to make that always work. And so the journey for contentment continues.

So, the Lazarus Fund will hopefully calm some of my fears of never being able to save money, can take some of the burden away and help me help the people I want to help. Donating to this fund will require some faith of your behalf, too. We may not necessarily always tell you how we used the money. Donating to this fund will mean you trust us and trust we will use the money wisely, which is always a great prayer request on our behalf. It’s hard knowing when to help and when not to. This fund will, of course, allow us to help more, but there will be times when we have to say no,too. God give us more wisdom.

Also know that none of this money will ever be used for our personal needs. As stated before, Webert and I feel so blessed to have the jobs that we have and we want to save our earnings for the little family God has given us.

So, let’s see what God wants to do with this fund!

You can send donations to

Touch of Hope

205 Old Mill Lane

Rock Rapids, Iowa 51246

with a memo note for Lazarus.

*Touch of Hope is a registered 501(3)c non-profit organization and all donations are tax deductible. 

Love from Haiti.

All week I read words that spoke love. We start our days at ViBella with a short devotion, so this week I chose segments from Love Idol to share with the ladies. Author of Love Idol, Jennifer Dukes Lee, has been to our center before. She’s loved on us and watched the ladies in their prime of jewelry making. I wanted the words in her book to speak to my sisters like they did to me.

This past week, we not only read parts of the book but also made jewelry which was designed in honor of her book and the message that we are pre approved! These pieces will be sold online at www.vibellajewelry.com

I prayed a shaky prayer one morning: “Lord, let us feel your presence today as we work. Lord, bless our hands as we work, bless our hearts as we work, and bless our minds as we work. Lord, let us feel your Holy Spirit with us today. May we always remember how much we are loved by you. Thank you for your love. Thank you for you grace.”

I pray this in Creole, mind you, so it probably doesn’t really sound like that to everyone, but I know what I’m trying to pray. I just have this longing for my artists that they may always feel cherished. Life hasn’t always been easy for them, having witnessed only a portion of their hardships. I look them in the eyes somedays and wonder if they truly feel that love we talk and pray about. I worry that the words I read from our devotional book – or Jennifer’s book – are merely jibberish to them. Wondering if somedays they purposefully show up to work 10 minutes late, so that they don’t have to sit through devotions again. I don’t know. But, what if it’s the best part of their days. Some have told me they feel most comfortable at work, living with everyone like a family. Praying everyday encourages them.

I hate how the devil works in me like that.

But, Jennifer’s message speaks light again. Even in the moments of pray or with the Bible spread open, I worry what they’ll think. I wonder if it matters. I doubt it all. Day by day, I try to smash the Love Idol inside of me. I try to be less of me and more of Him. I want people in the village to see more of Him and less of that crazy white person.

I have to say one of my favorite times of the day is giving my baby girl a bath. She loves the water! She’ll sit and play in the bathtub for an hour if you let her. I pick her up and wrap her in a bath towel. We giggle as she smears her wet face against mine.

We stop and look in the mirror. So, much to stare and wonder at.

I smile and say, “who is that beautiful girl?” She looks back at me and giggles again.

I look back in the mirror and wonder if she’ll believe that when she grows up. Will she realize the miracles God has already worked in her tiny body and short life? Will she believe in the love her heavenly Father holds for her? Will she know how much I love her and care for her? Will she worry what the world has to say about her? Will she let the disease that runs in her blood hold her back? Will she stand up for what’s right and believe in herself?

But, that’s for later to worry about. Right now, in this moment, I can hold her tight and confirm with my hugs and kisses that I love her no matter what.

And, I see how God must look at you and me. How He cherishes those moments when we hold on tight to His love and believe in His plan. How He longs to spend time with us and how glad He must be when we turn our eyes towards heaven and confess our beliefs: we are loved, we are cherished, we are pre approved. No. Matter. What.

Sunday’s a comin’…

Peace, grace and love from Haiti

{you can buy Love Idol at http://www.amazon.com and the jewelry we made in Haiti to go with it at http://www.vibellajewelry.com}

“Until you are convinced of God’s incredible love for you, you will continue looking for replacement love everywhere but in the heart of Christ. No matter where you live or work, temptation confronts you. The enemy prowls around like a lion, stalking people on Wall Street, fashion runways, suburban cul-de-sacs, Facebook walls, and even gravel roads in rural Iowa. You and I are in a showdown with Satan, who will use every opportunity he can to whisper in our ears,

“What are people thinking of you?”

(page 54)

She’s a dear friend to the family and has been an amazing supporter to Touch of Hope and my personal journey in Haiti since the beginning. I’ve cried in front of her on a hard day, sought advice about hard stuff on other days and laughed as my boys showed her their best dance moves. I just feel real when I’m with her and I love that about her. Her name is Jennifer Dukes Lee and she has a message that is beyond real in her new book Love Idol. I just finished reading it front to back the other night and my heart was left still and challenged. I’ve never put a name to one of the biggest Idols in my life: Love, and Jennifer describes its symptoms and dangers perfectly in this book. But her cure is the greatest news of all: We have been pre-approved by Jesus and He loves us for exactly who we are. We no longer need to seek approval from the world!

I like to say that I don’t care what people think of me, and for the most part I don’t let people’s judgements play a part in the decisions I make. But, let’s be real, I so totally care. I joke with my sister that I want a wardrobe that would define me as a “cute missionary” so, even in a place where fashion has little to no importance, I still care. Maybe not as much as I once did, but I do.

And like every other woman, I worry about the number on the scale and the size of my jeans. In high school, I worried about the starting line-ups, winning basketball games, report card grades, the popularity contest and the number of activities I could list on my college applications. In college, I wanted more Facebook friends and crazy week-end stories. I loved having nice things, especially name brand jeans.

As the Lord began to break my heart, though, truly the number on the scale and the name on my jeans did become less important to me but, it was then that the Love Idol set up base in my broken heart, too. After a while, people tagged me as the “girl from Haiti” and I loved the attention that gave me. I enjoyed knowing my blog was becoming more popular and I felt pride telling people what I was choosing to do with my life. But eventually, it all began to feel fake. And, I hate fake.

Jennifer’s book diagnosed my problems and I love the fact, that in Jesus’s name, we are healed! We don’t need to worry anymore about statistics, popularity contests or the number of “likes” we get on Facebook. We are pre-approved in God’s eyes. His love is forever and as Jennifer puts it, “You are God’s favorite” (page 227)

Before the foundations of the world, He loved you.

Before the fall of Eden, He loved you.

Before He sent His son splitting through the cosmos of this world, He loved you.

Before He died upon the cross, He loved you.

When He rose again, He loved you.

And He’s coming back again because He loves you.

When you took your first breath, He loved you.

When you messed up bad, He loved you.

When you won and when you lost, He loved you.

(page 228-229)

I love knowing that I don’t have to care about my tag-lines or the popularity of this page anymore. I love knowing God doesn’t keep track of Facebook likes or judges us by the brand of our jeans. I love seeing God’s work in action, His love seeping in to the darkest places and His light shining a message of hope and love for the world to see.

About a year ago, an old basketball coach complimented me by saying, “you’re just awesome, what you are doing is so awesome.” I smiled, but humbly admitted I’m really not that awesome. I’ve never won any popularity contests, I don’t have any shiny awards and truly, I feel awfully mediocre on most days. But, yes, what the Lord has done in my life is more than awesome: He has done more with the school than we could have ever dreamed of, He has taken our ministry in so many new directions, He opens up new doors and brings new people into our lives when we need it and He is simply so very faithful. All. Of. The. Time. God is awesome. Not me, I’m very ordinary. Maybe crazy, but not awesome.

I actually feel that I am only beginning to see the awesome things that He is going to do through me, the school and in Simonette.

This moment with my old basketball coach has truly impacted me. In high school, I worked very hard to earn her approval. I worried entirely too much about basketball, in general. And here I was, nearly 5 years later, and she was giving me the greatest compliments. Compliments I had always longed and wished for. And, they weren’t satisfying for my soul to hear. They seemed fake and I wanted to give credit where credit was due.

This life isn’t about the approval that the world has to offer us. We have already been pre-approved. All the crazy and awesome things that have happened in my life are because of Jesus and my choice to follow him. And from the mountaintops – along with Jennifer – I want to tell you all about the love of Jesus. And like Jennifer, I want to be remembered by my love for Jesus, not the awesome things I did.

Let me finish with a great example of Jesus’ pre-approved love that I was able to see in my small corner of the world:

A few months ago, we had an 18-year-old orphan at our gates who was pregnant and needing a place to live. She was being kicked out of the house she was living in because she had gotten pregnant. She had nowhere else to turn. We unfortunately had no room for her at Tytoo, so I began thinking of people in Simonette who could possibly help her.

Our first grade teacher at the school came to mind. She had recently moved into a new house, was single and had no one else living with her. I knew she had the room, but would she really want to take in a young, strange girl who had clearly made mistakes in her past. So, I cautiously asked her, not wanting her to feel obligated to help, but almost immediately she said, “no problem.”

A few days later Jilliane moved in with Charlene. Her eyes sparkled as she told us this was the first time in her life she would have her own bed. (Amazing, I know.)

After getting her situated, I asked Charlene if there would be any rules for Jilliane or anything she wanted to discuss before I left. What happened next was amazing… Charlene began to explain that her only rule for Jilliane was to always let Charlene know where she was going if she left the house. She said, “If I hear there is an accident in Cabaret, but I know you are in Titanyen I won’t have to worry; but, if I hear there is an accident in Cabaret and I know you are in Cabaret, I will start running to look for you, even if I have no shoes or underwear on!”

Literally, she said no underwear. I can’t make that type of story up!

All jokes aside, I was blown away by the love Charlene already had for Jilliane. She didn’t care where she had come from, what mistakes she had made or what trouble she could cause. Moments after learning her name, she was saying she would run looking for her to make sure she was safe from an accident. Charlene showed me what “pre-approved love” really is all about.

I want to love more like Charlene. But, really, and Charlene knows it, too (she told me she did!) that type of love can only come from Jesus. It was His mission and the very reason why he came to walk on the same earth that you and I walk on today!

Jennifer is calling it the Love Idol Movement and I want to join her by sharing the great news that you are pre-approved and loved by Jesus. You can read all about at her blog: http://www.JenniferDukesLee.com OR go out and buy a copy of her amazing book Love Idol available to buy at http://www.amazon.com

And, by the way, Jilliane had a healthy baby boy just this past Sunday and named him Schneider. She’s still living with Charlene and plans to start working as a cleaning lady at the school in the near future. She also goes to church with Charlene every Sunday 🙂

This little soul of mine seems to be bursting at the seems lately. Tears well in my eyes as we sing an old hymn. Butterflies flutter in my stomach as I turn the keys open to my new business. My heart skips a beat as I kiss my children goodnight. My list of thank you’s to the Lord grow longer each night. Some days seem so hopeless, yet there are so many moments that I wish I could hold on to for forever.

The day will come when I know I will look back and say “those were the good days” – what if the days we are living right now are the best that we will ever have and we are taking it all for granted. What if the problems we face are our biggest lessons and the tears are the glue to our broken lives. What if all those worries that swarm deep within are there for us to remember how wonderfully ruined we are. I draw closer to our Creator as I witness his miracles. His healing and His wonderful grace.

I embrace one of my favorite Haitians on the dirt path. I can feel every bone in his back; he’s near 70-years-old and walks with a cane bent over with terrible arthritis. He laughs and calls me “sweetheart” and I see Jesus shining in his eyes. He’s lived all his years in a dirt hut and his only real possession is a donkey. Sunday mornings, he stands in the back of worship with his wrinkled hands raised toward the heavens. I want to stand in the dirt path all day. Holding on to this moment, with a man who has more to teach me about life than my college professors ever could have. I want to love life like this man.

I want more of that joy that comes from some mysterious place deep within. I want to look a desperate mom in the face and say “it will be okay” and believe it. I want more love. More grace. More peace.

And I search for these things. I make an honest effort to live joyfully. I dance ridiculously with my children just to make sure I haven’t lost that innocent joy. I hug a little tighter and dream a little bigger just to make sure my faith is still in check. But, in my most vulnerable moments the devil knows right when to find me. He whispers lies, telling me, “it won’t work, it isn’t good enough, you aren’t brave enough and it won’t make a difference.”

My heart and soul wrestle with these lies. I long for contentment. I long for answers. I long for solutions. And when I think I have found these things, all those lies fill in the gaps. So, I make an honest effort to ignore them. I search for more joy and grace over and over again.

I try to enjoy the day as the Lord blesses me with it. I try to recognize this journey as the best days of my life. I want to be more like the donkey man in our community. I try to sing a little louder and worship a little longer. Pray a little harder and stand more confidently in the Lord at the end of each day. For He blesses my soul and I have no reason not to love every moment of this ridiculously complicated, hard and beautiful life.

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

(It’s my husband’s birthday today and he’s my biggest inspiration for this post. He makes me a better person and never allows me to stay discouraged. He’s so wise in his years and I have so much to learn from him. He also lights up every room he walks in to with his distinguished smile and genuine joy. He always makes my days brighter.)

It’s that time of year, spring is coming, but not quite here yet. The snow is melting, but the flowers have yet to peak through. Warm weather wants to come, but it has been a long winter. I’ve been home for only two short weeks and I’m already so sick of the cold, ready to get back to the Caribbean heat!

It’s lent season and they’re telling you to give something up, but today I want to challenge you to take something on! For the next 60 days we will be posting a child every day who is still in need of a sponsor on our Touch of Hope Facebook page.

If we get these 60 children sponsored in the next 60 days, we will have reached 300 children sponsored in our school sponsorship program. For those of you unfamiliar with our history, we started this program in the fall of 2011 and it has exploded into a Kingdom program with 900+ children in 2.5 short years. For me, knowing 300 children are sponsored means Jesus is in and all around this program. He’s blessing the sponsors and the children who are sponsored.

Sponsoring a child provides these children with a daily meal at school, uniforms, text books and school supplies. It also pays the wages of our 50+ employees. Sponsoring a child is kingdom work and God delights in that. If you are already a sponsor, please click and share and tell friends about what’s happening on our mountaintop. Invite people to like our Facebook page and like it yourself if you haven’t already done so!

The morning sun is beginning to peak through my windows and Wishla is crying loud enough for the whole world to hear her. Doesn’t she know church isn’t for another three hours and today we can sleep in? I lift my head up ever so slightly and see her standing up in her crib, watching for one of us to give in and come pick her up. Sleep is one of those things you give up when you choose to become a mom, and I’m honestly annoyed I can’t just get one more hour of sleep.

So, I give in and pick her up. We lay back down with her head heavy on my chest. I try not to move a muscle, to see if she’ll fall back asleep. After a few seconds, she pops her head up with energy, I peak my eyes open and she’s just grinning from ear to ear. She melts my heart all over again and I laugh out loud with this sweet child.

My feelings of annoyance and fatigue turn into joy as my day begins to unfold.

It’s a choice, that’s what I’ve been learning, anyways. It’s a choice to choose joy instead of bitterness – or in my case annoyance. It’s a choice to live in thanksgiving, acknowledging every moment as a blessing from God.

Pancakes are in the fry pan and the aroma of delicious bacon is filling the house. I love Sunday morning breakfasts.

We find our way to church in our Sunday best. The boys go to children’s church and I bow my head in prayer on a wooden bench. Wishla bounces in my arms and loves to clap along with the crowd. We begin worship and she falls asleep in Webert’s arms. Announcements pass and the sermon begins; Psalm 145 are the closing verses.

“I will exalt you, my God and King;
I will praise your name forever and ever.
Every day I will praise you
And extol your name forever and ever.
Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
His greatness no one can fathom.
One generation commends your works to another;
They tell of your mighty acts.
They speak of your glorious splendor of your majesty –
And I will meditate on your wonderful works.
They celebrate your abundant goodness
And joyfully sing of your righteousness.
The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
Slow to anger and rich in love.
The Lord is good to all;
He has compassion on all he has made.
All your works praise you, Lord;
Your faithful people extol you.
They tell of your glory of your kingdom and speak of your might,
So that all people may know of your mighty acts
And the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
And your dominion endures through all generations.
The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.
The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
And you give them their food at the proper time.
You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does.
The Lord is near to all who call on him,
To all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
He hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord watches over all who love him,
But all the wicked he will destroy.
My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.
Let every creature praise his holy name forever and ever.

I get it, there are a lot of words right there. I chose to include them all, because different words speak differently to different people. For me, I love verse 7:

They celebrate your abundant goodness
And joyfully sing of your righteousness.

These people recognized all their blessings, all the good stuff, and the gifts. All these things brought them joy. So much joy, in fact, they were led to sing about it! Let’s not get carried away, I’m not about to sing for joy when Wishla wakes me up early in the morning, but I want to recognize the moments of blessings and give thanks.

The Lord asks us to give thanks in all circumstances.

Remember the lady on my porch? The woman has hungry children. She is without a job and desperate. She came back. Just the other day, in fact. I wrote about her a while ago, in a post title the woman on my porch. Nothing has changed since she last came, she told me she was coming back to see if anything had changed for me. I shook my head, ashamed. She told me she cries a lot, but then she reminds herself to stop crying because crying will get her nothing so, instead she prays. She says something will come out of praying.

I agree, although an older version of myself would have doubted this god she prayed to in hopes of something. In this journey of choosing to give thanks and choosing joy, I completely agreed with her on my porch this time. I told her to start giving thanks for what God will do, for what he has done, and I too would join her in prayer. Will you join me in praying for her?

I go back to this chapter and see verse 9:
The Lord is good to all;
He has compassion on all he has made.

He will be good to us…let’s give thanks. He has compassion. It continues to promise us that he hears our cries; he saves us and watches over us. I’m choosing to believe in these promises. For my sake and for her, for her children, too.

It ends by suggesting we praise his name forever and ever. Tears well in my eyes are these worlds of thanksgiving, promises and joy collide.

_________________________________

You’re probably wondering where this is all coming from, why such a random journey of thanksgiving and joy. But, it is because we’re coming to the end of a Bible study called 1,000 gifts by Ann Voskamp, maybe you have heard about it, maybe not. But, she challenges the participants to choose joy and to live a life of wholehearted thanksgiving. And so, with all of her words, thoughts and ideas, for the last four weeks I’ve been trying to live this way. I’ve been trying to take the ordinary details of life and recognize them as gifts. I’ve been trying to turn my frustrations, problems and annoyances into blessings and moments of thanksgiving. I’ve been trying.

I think we are guilty of it all: taking things for granted and allowing our joy for life to be trampled by the troubles of this life.

Even as her early morning cry cuts my slumber short, there is truly no other way I would want to wake up. I give thanks for Wishla coming in my life every single day. I’ve chosen to give thanks for the dirty dishes because dirty dishes mean we’ve had food to eat. I’ve chosen to give thanks for dirty boys and a noisy house because that means I have two boys who have overcome it all and are healthy. I’ve chosen to give thanks for the big things: friends, family, a house and a car. But, I’ve chosen to give thanks for the little things more often: sunsets, bedtime prayers, hugs from orphans, a still ocean and holding hands with my husband. I’ve chosen to see moments as blessings and the details of the day as gifts. I don’t want the miracles of the every day to pass under my nose anymore.

My hope is that we all choose joy. I pray that the lady on my porch doesn’t lose hope in the god she prays to. I pray for miracles and the impossible everyday. I believe my prayers are answered because I seem to witness unexplainable beautiful things all the darn time in this wicked and dark place. Amongst all the ugliness, I see beauty and for that I will sing of His righteousness.

Choose joy, my friends.