a Saturday night
by Kayla Raymond
It’s Saturday night.
I think of my friends back home and how they’re all probably out to eat or to the movies. Maybe they have gotten dressed up and are ready for a night on the town.
And then there’s me. It’s Saturday night and I’m in a little black number from the Kohl’s clearance rack and my hair is twisted up in a clip. My feet are covered in dirt and my nails have needed a pedicure since last month. I catch a reflection of myself in the rearview mirror and I realize I should have put on mascara before I left the house. I am so far from a Saturday night on the town.
But, it’s Saturday night and I find myself on the back of hip old green moped. My arms are wrapped around my husband and we laugh as we cruise down the dirt path leading home.
To one side I look at the mountains, which are covered by clouds and you can see where the rain is falling. And before me the sun seems larger than life and sets on top of the mountainside. And to the other side, the shore of the ocean runs along side me. It’s picture perfect in so many ways and I find a hard time finding the right adjectives to describe the greatness of this scene.
And, all of a sudden I feel so incredibly small.
My worries about my looks and appearances disappear as the clouds roll behind me, the mountains rise beside me and the waves roar before me. All of these grandeur scenes surround me and it is so intimidating. It is as if at any moment it could all engulf me.
I’m so, so small.
The shredded tents come into focus now and poverty storms my broken heart as the clouds press forward. Poverty has a way of engulfing me, too. Not thinking a difference will ever be made has a way of making me feel even smaller.
Yet, in the next moment I feel so incredibly loved.
And it’s strange to jump from one emotion to another, but I’m realizing in this moment that the Creator of heaven and earth, the Creator of mountains, sunsets, and storms is my Creator, too. And, He loves me and I’m so undeserving.
He loves my messy, dusty self and doesn’t care about my chipped toenail polish. I love knowing He sees past my clearance-rack clothes and looks straight at the heart. Because in this moment of feeling small, boring and not-so-pretty, my heart and soul have never felt so alive on the back of this rickety moped.
This is a come-to moment, a moment I feel He made just for me. Not everyone is going to see it, but I do. I see how the storms will always continue to rage on, all around us. When one problem is solved, another storm is developing behind the next mountain. But, my eyes keep focus on the larger than life sun setting before me. No matter how many times I get distracted by the storm, I refocus on the majestic sun before me. It’s calming and peaceful, reassuring me of another day’s worth of grace and love. I seem to forget about the fact that I may get down poured on at any moment.
And in this moment, I just desire more of Jesus. I worship Him for his majesty, creativity, grace and beauty. I ask for forgiveness because I see how the storms of life distract me. They discourage me and, quite frankly, suck the life right out of me sometimes. But, here in this moment, I know how very much alive I am. I’m reminded of how deeply loved I am. I’m reminded how much more alive I feel when I’m focused on my end reward and that’s a beautiful thing.
It’s a Saturday night and I just drove down a dirt path on the back of an old green moped. Life doesn’t get much better.
“No matter how many times I get distracted by the storm, I refocus on the majestic sun before me.” Wow – this speaks to me – I let the storms distract me and drain me. But I will take your road to salvation and refocus time and time again on the glory of God and His unfailing love. Thanks for sharing and inspiring me with your words and insights. I praise God for you and your family!
I just returned from Rocky Mountain High this week and I am so in tune with your thoughts. I know u r beautiful inside and out, and I also am
Learning in God’s eyes I AM ENOUGH… Thank u for all u do, ur beauty shines as bright as the Sun u c before you…
I stumbled across your blog a few days ago while googling the Beuchner quote that you have in your title. I have read a bit here and I absolutely have enjoyed every minute of reading. My husband and I served in Detroit (totally different!!) & somehow your writings remind me of the unreserved love & adventure we had there in the midst of the difficulties & being pressed. It has refreshed my heart to read your words and brought me to the realization that I need to get back to that place of giving it all up for the sake of Him. I would love to subscribe to your updates but I don’t see how to do that. So I saved your site and have checked back.
I have been praying for you and your husband and your family, and your beloved people there.
I appreciate all that you are doing and your extravagant love.
Blessings to you and your family & all your beautiful friends there!