{rice, beans & love}

Do you ever feel stuck?

You know, just stuck with where you are in life.

I do. And, I hate it. I just can’t seem to figure out why.

Before me lies a life full of blessings and gifts, most of them I am so undeserving of. No way am I worthy of it all.

And, I try to soak it all in. Embrace the day, give thanks.

There are these moments when my two boys are belly laughing so hard that their laughter literally sends shockwaves of joy through my bones. Or when my two-year-old daughter snuggles into the deepest part of my chest and there we both find comfort. Or the love felt in a genuine hug, making jokes with village kids, handing someone a gift, walking across the schoolyard as children shout my name. There’s nothing greater than feeling belonged and a part of something.

There are moments that fill me up with all the goodness I believe God intends for us to experience.

But, in the darkness of the night I lie awake wondering if I am getting it all? Am I spending my days out there with purpose? Am I doing it right? Am I experiencing all the goodness there is to get?

And then, I get to worrying about the future. I worry my husband will never get a Visa to the United States and my children will never have a chance to travel with me. I worry about having a baby and never having enough money. I worry about the school, ViBella, the orphanage, Rosie’s…the list goes on and on.

I worry about the gigantic rat that has taken over my house and him visiting my bed.

Then, I plead, please don’t let that rat near my room and please make all my wishes about visas and babies come true. I worry again, am I doing it how You intend? Am I doing it right?

Please, don’t jump here and say that I am because my resume looks so shiny.

That darn resume. That thing will fool ya.

Because, I am learning, that we, as in all of us humans, believe if we work harder and do better and be nicer, our lives will be full. If we climb out of the mud and if we keep climbing up some ladder our society has created for us to climb with no real destination in sight, it is there, we will be satisfied. But, no matter how much money we earn or high up we climb or how long our resume gets, we won’t ever reach the top.

And, I fall for all of this. If I work longer hours, I will feel satisfied. If I do a better job, I will feel for qualified. If I am nicer, I will feel better. If I make my resume sparkle a little brighter and add more “good deeds” I will feel more worthy, less stuck.

I have filled my days with so much business that I feel I am missing out on something so much greater. I can’t tell you the last time I sat in a dirt hut praying for someone. And, I hate that. I know it is there, where the blessings overflow and I am filled.

Maybe that is what is making me feel so stuck; I haven’t been spending enough time doing exactly what the Lord calls us to do: spending time with the poor, giving up more time and money, and spending more time in His presence. I have exhausted my energy on work and worrying.

If it were Jesus down here, I think He would be doing it differently.

I feel stuck. I feel exhausted from the details. I feel the routine drying me up.

I feel the evil one whispering me all of his lies, he is so very good at doing that and suffocating me in the place where I stand. Rooting me in the lies, defining me by my worry. Making me believe I am unheard.

Truth is, I am scared to death my husband won’t ever get a Visa, more than that I am petrified about coming to terms with God’s plan on never granting us a Visa. In the end, it’s His plan, and what if His plan doesn’t have a Visa in it? Aren’t we all afraid of God not giving us what we want, leading us to get stuck in a puddle of worry.

Unfortunately, the truth is, I get really ugly and dirty on the inside. I get selfish and think I am worthy. I get cocky and forget to say thank you way too often.

Truth is, I need a cultivating of the heart.

Hosea 10:12 says:

“Sow for yourselves righteousness,

reap the fruit of unfailing love,

and break up your unplowed ground;

for it is time to seek the Lord,

until he comes

and showers righteousness on you.”

It’s not where I am, but how I am. The condition of my heart is like mud baked in the Hatian sun, cracked open and dry, longing for a new rain. And, in the quiet darkness of my room, this light cracks my hardened heart. God’s gentle hands plow and stir, where dirt and rocks have too long been.

Lord, I pray, reap in me the fruits of your spirit. Fill me with your love and allow your works to be worked in me. Prepare me and make me available, plant in me new hope for a new season.

Please, I beg, take my worries and forgive for me each of them.

I don’t want to feel stuck, for I know the truth and the truth says I am free.

“In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered me by setting me free.” – Psalm 118:5

Life has a way of sucking us in and planting us in our worries and problems. Illnesses, cancers, emergencies, turn of events, the unexpected and the unknowing tend to dry us out and make us hard. I have been praying for cultivation in my heart, becoming ready to receive what God is intending to do in and through me. Today, I am praying this for you, my reader, hoping you will allow Him to work in you as He intends to, also. Let’s become unstuck together.